23, Female, Brown eyed, Cheerful, Sarcastic, Empathetic, Caring, Emotional, Melodramatic, Sweet, Understanding, Over-thinker, Maturely-Immature, Cute, Smart, Ambivert , Sapiosexual, Light Hearted, Talkative, Chirpy, Moody, Easy to connect with, Believer, Trustworthy, Naive, Completely in love with myself, well, most of the times, and when not, I hate myself for being all the above !
So, this post is in response to a challenge (or rather an argument ) called, ‘You ain’t made to love’ , accused by a dear friend, Froggatt.
I was three and so was he, sitting in the porch of my school for admission interviews, when I was first introduced to him. It turned out that he was new in that city and would be shifting just in my adjacent house. We just waved. I faintly remember that I was trying to talk with everyone, played around and he sitting quietly with his mother. He was the shyest boy I had encountered till then. I passed the interview, he didn’t. But the wave friend turned neighbour became the best friend in a very short span. I was seven when a friend who was in the same school as mine, pushed me hard from my bicycle resulting in two stitches near the right eye and a broken knee. But I remember me being quite, and the best friend fighting and then crying after seeing me covered in blood. We were nine when his father took a transfer and I found myself consoling him. We had a secret table under which we would hide whenever we were sad. It the the responsibility of the other one to bring a five star from the saved pocked money and bring back cheers to that gloomy face. It may sound clichéd or totally a bollywood drama but that did happened. We found all the answers, happiness, peace in one another. I remember of loving him even before I knew anything of love. It seemed all perfect when distance happened. My dad had decided to finally settle in India and hence we shifted. 500 miles away.
At the age of 15, when people are busy experiencing their first love, we decided to be mature enough to handle long distance. We were fools. Things ruined turn by turn, degrading our bond catastrophically. After a series of breaking and patching up, we turned apart. And in this process, I lost my first best friend, my secret keeper, my childhood. My love relapsed again at 18 and ended in the most traumatic, tragic way such that moving on seemed just impossible. Something died in me then.
My heart was tired of cushioning the pain every God awful time, my lips were soon going to give up on that plastic smile, but my eyes, they would have won the bloody show coz they had learnt to fake up. But then, he came along. He said, I had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. He was a classmate, batch mate, lab mate, canteen mate, hangout mate, library mate and everything. From second year to fourth, every evening we scaled the campus together, had tea, discussed from minutest to biggest issues, did all the crazy things. He did all the assignments which I hated to and in turn I made him the best butter chicken. We were good, sorted. But then, the unplanned happened. He proposed, in the second half of forth year. I was sure of not having a long distance this time and hence insisted on being just friends. He stayed. But something died of that friendship.
It was after graduation when I was on a skype call with the same college friend when my eyes struck in the background from where a friend of his waved. I smiled and waved back, and can’t remember when that call was between me and that new friend. He lives in the same town as mine. Shares the same taste in music as me, writes more beautifully than me, is just as the man, I had once wished. And the best part, he loves me too. But I don’t.
Because I fear to loose. I fear to love. Coz howsoever beautiful love is, it has given me only tears. I fear to be loved, to be known in and out, to have nothing new left with to show. I fear to be left alone. And I know in this process of being heart broken and getting up again, I have hurt many. But as that dear friend says, I ain’t made to love.
P. S – Any resemblance with real characters or incidences is purely intentional.
Straight out of her Mind !! 